If he's laughing, he's listening.

My seven year old nephew screams at my two year old son, then runs into his room, slamming his door.

One night, when this happens, I’m not in the best of moods. I yell through my nephew’s closed door, asking him what’s wrong. He ignores me, and I get angry, but he’s not my kid, so I feel powerless and resentful. Meanwhile, my son is crying his heart out, banging on my nephew’s door, trying to get in. Angry, frustrated, exasperated, I pick my son up and bring him into our room, calming him down and distracting him.

My nephew learns that his behavior is acceptable. More importantly, he does NOT learn an alternative behavior. As for me, I don’t finish cleaning the kitchen or cooking dinner because I’m so angry and exasperated, leaving everyone more hungry and more frustrated for hours.

A different night, the same situation happens, but I’m in a good mood. I immediately distract and entertain my son, and then talk to my nephew to find out what’s really wrong. He is too angry and resentful to listen to anything I say, so I finish cleaning the kitchen and cooking dinner. Two hours later, I finally get my nephew to smile, and I have an epiphany so obvious I should have a lump on my head from where the “well DUH” stick struck.

My epiphany was simply this – if he’s laughing, he’s listening.

Kids learn from every single thing they witness, but what they learn depends on how they see the world in that moment.

Every moment, every thing we do, or don’t do, teaches our children, but how our children feel colors their lenses.

That’s why it is so important to parent consciously – so we can be aware of what we are teaching, and what we grown-ups need to learn, as well as how our children are feeling and what they need help with.

When kids feel resentful, angry, or hurt, they can’t be considerate or patient. Positive and negative feelings can’t occupy the same space at the same time. But you CAN nullify one with the other. You can be patient with your child, and considerate of his needs, and thus help him let go of his unpleasant emotions.

The three P’s of Effective Parenting (according to me,) are Positive, Present, and Patient.

You have to be in a Positive space yourself. You can’t teach positive behavior with negative behavior. It’s just not possible. No, really. Think about it.

You have to be Present – if you are thinking about stuff you need to do or things that already happened, you are missing what’s going on right now. When you do one thing with your hands while your mind is elsewhere, you mess up, you lose things, you get confused. It’s like typing a text message while applying mascara and driving 55mph down the freeway…a disaster waiting to happen. Be present in everything thing that you do, and you will be amazed at how much calmer you feel, how much easier life is, and and how much you’ve been missing out on.

Patience is a requirement for effective parenting. You have to be patient with yourself, because you are going to make mistakes, and you are going to learn things that will totally change the way you see your kids and your role I their lives. You have to be patient with your kids, because they don’t see the world the way you do; they don’t have the experiences that you do, and even when you experience things together, I guarantee you that they got something different out of that experience than you did.

Getting back to my epiphany – if he’s laughing, he’s listening. If he’s laughing, he’s in a positive state of mind, he is present in this moment (not thinking about what went wrong in the past or what he wants in his future,) and he is patiently waiting for you to make him laugh some more…which means he’s receptive to learning. While he’s laughing, I have the opportunity to slip a lesson in there with the joke. As long as I keep the mood light and fun, he’ll keep listening.

Next time this scenario repeats, I plan to be present in the other room so I can see what exactly is setting my nephew off. I plan to be patient with him, and positive overall. And hopefully, I’ll have another epiphany and figure out how to solve the issue. Wish me luck!

My Ideal Lifestyle

I am ready to love my life to the fullest, and in that spirit, last week I took my notebook to the park, and between pushes of the toddler swing my son insisted on riding, I wrote a detailed list of every thing I would like to accomplish on a daily basis.

It's a long list, but totally doable.

Every day I rise with the sun, get tea and breakfast started, and perform a devotional followed by daily guidance divination. I want to rise with the sun because sunrise is beautiful. Tea is important because I rarely get enough sleep and coffee makes me jittery. Breakfast is important for nourishing my brain and body. My devotional is my prayer of gratitude, talking to the Divine, and my daily guidance divination is one way the Divine talks back.

Every morning I write until my son wakes, after which I spend time seeing to my son's needs, including a fresh diaper or assistance using the potty, lots of cuddles, food, and drink. Then I take him outside, so every day we get fresh air and have the opportunity to enjoy this beautiful world.

Every day I sing to myself, my son, my family, and the people on the road beside me fortunate enough to also have no air conditioning. Singing is one way I express the beauty of my soul. It heals me, and helps me radiate love and joy.

Every day, I make something beautiful. Maybe a new craft, maybe a poem, maybe organizing stuff in a more pleasing way, or maybe just a beautiful presentation of the food I cook, as long as every day I contribute to beauty in the world.

Every day I nourish my body with plenty of water and delicious, nutritious, vegan food. Every day I break a sweat by working my muscles, getting my heart pumping, and expressing love for myself and joy for life in yoga, dance, or play.

Every day I learn something new, whether from reading, observing, or experiencing something in a whole new way.

Every day I say I love you, and every day I talk to a loved one.

Every evening, I make a delicious, nutritious dinner for my family, and encourage each member to talk about their day. This is my way of showing gratitude for their love.

Every night, I greet the moon, remembering how huge she is compared to me, and how tiny a space she holds in the enormity of the universe.

Before bed, I clean the kitchen and pick up the common room and my bedroom, because cleaning is an act of love, and waking up to a (relatively) clean house is a wonderful thing.

Before bed I clean my body, brush my teeth, moisturize my hands and feet, and rub my neck and shoulders, because I deserve to feel loved and pampered.

Before sleep I do my affirmations, co-creating my world with the Divine. I write and work after getting my son to sleep, and any time I can throughout the day, then nourish my mind, body, an spirit with six to seven hours of sleep before greeting the dawn.

Invoking 2011: 5 Values

Instead of resolutions, here are five values to which I aspire to incorporating into my life in 2011. :)
1) Health - I want to learn to prepare and enjoy nutritious meals and snacks, so that processed junk becomes the exception rather than the norm. I want daily exercise for us both, at least a walk preferably some horseplay, and maybe even some DDR. I want us to get plenty of rest, which includes stress relief, and lots of laughter, which is both the best medicine and the best prevention.

2) Organization - I want to get back in the habit of using my planner every day so I can accomplish all my goals, make my appointments, keep in touch with my loved ones, and remember important occassions without having to rely on my increasingly fallible memory. I want to embody the concept of "less is more;" the less I have, the less there is to break, lose, or clean up! I want to get Aiden and I in a routine so he knows what to expect and can relax without worrying about Mommy disappearing if he loses sight of her.

3) Joy - I want to begin and end every day with a smile. I want laughter and enthusiasm to be norms in my life rather than perks.

4) Love - I want to embody the concept of unconditional love, which means letting go of any lingering anger and hurt, and extending to myself and every one the same love that I feel for my son.
5) Peace - I want my default feeling to be peaceful/balanced/centered, punctuated by joy, or even frustration/outrage/etc. I want to accept myself as I am, and incorporate daily meditation and prayer into my life in order to help me realize that goal.

Dreaming Big

Ten years from now...

...I'll be turning 40. Aiden will be turning 12. We'll live in a beautiful house, surrounded by land, with gardens for food, herbs, and beauty, and running water nearby. Aiden will have younger siblings, and I will have my soul mate sharing my life and helping me raise all three of them lovingly and consciously. I will be a popular writer, psychic, and metaphysical healer, able to completely support us with my gifts, and able to save a sizable nest egg because my soul mate contributes to our living as well. We will all be healthy, fit, full of energy, loving life, and always learning new skills and developing our favorites.

Five years from now...

...I'll be turning 35. Aiden will be turning 7. My soul mate and I will have been a couple for at least three years, and thinking about expanding our family. I will have published a couple of books and built up my clientele as a psychic and healer. I'll be starting to phase out my "day job" in order to focus more fully on my gifts. Aiden will be bright, healthy, happy, and adventurous, and we'll frequently go camping, visiting family and friends, and start planning to explore foreign countries, now that he's old enough to remember the experience, and I've had time to save up for it.

This time next year...

...I'll be planning out our Yule celebration, doing crafts with my almost-preschooler, singing songs with him. I'll have my MFA in Creative Writing, and will have sent out a manuscript to publishers. I'll have a nest egg of $5k saved up, and feel financially stable and secure. I'll have phased sugar out of my life, and have stable moods, great health, loads of energy, joy, and a much fitter body. I'll be working on a new manuscript and my own tarot deck. And I'll be looking forward to my friends and family opening their handmade gifts. :D

This month...

...I will find a job, and start saving money. I will make gifts for all my friends and loved ones, and revamp my etsy store. I will organize and de-clutter my belongings as well as my life, and redirect my energy so I accomplish more and stress less. I will have breakfast with protein within an hour of waking every day, and have protein with lunch and dinner. I will keep a food journal, and keep track of how different foods affect my mood. I'll even start having a potato before bed, and see how that works for me. I'm going to master the art of meal planning, and figure out how to make couponing work for me. And I'm going to regularly blog publicly as well as privately, to stay sane and get my head together.