I was spanked, and I'm NOT ok.

Let's start this off by saying if you believe in your heart and soul that there is absolutely nothing wrong with hitting a child, don't waste your time reading this, because nothing anyone says can open a closed mind, even when the mind is only closed off by denial.



I was spanked as a child.

Yes, I am a good person. I am loving, respectful, considerate, generous, responsible, and confident.

No, spanking did not make me any of those things.

I loved and trusted my parents. Like any child, I trusted them to do what was best for me...at least until I was old enough to understand that they were only human.

When they spanked me, I felt powerless, degraded, shamed, betrayed, hurt, and angry.

When I grew up, no matter how much I educated myself, no matter what I believed or practiced, I loved and trusted people who I let manipulate me, degrade me, shame me, betray me, hurt me, and piss me off. I didn't do it on purpose; I didn't even know I was doing it until the end of each relationship. But the reason I did was because from the time I was a small child, I was taught that love was something that happened between a bully and a victim.

The fact that people survive violence, neglect, and trauma and go on to do great things does not prove that violence, neglect, and trauma cause those people to be great. The fact that you were spanked and you are not in jail, or you know someone who was not spanked who DID go to jail, doesn't mean that spanking teaches respect for the law!

Respect is pride in oneself, and recognition of the inherent value of others. Respect is NOT fear of retribution.

Responsibility is self-control and desire for the good of all, NOT obedience.

Consideration is the willingness to work with others to create harmony, NOT the sacrifice of one's own needs in order to make other people happy.

Love is an exchange of encouragement, acceptance, and joy - NOT a power struggle!

I am almost thirty years old. I figured out all of this when I was in high school, I've been trying to heal myself ever since, and I am still struggling to reprogram myself, so that I don't pass on these learned behaviors to my son, or my future children.

Is spanking the only thing my parents did wrong? No, of course not. Someone who spanks out of anger, or worse, while calm, has problems. Spanking is not a technique, it's a symptom.

Spanking is a symptom of feeling a need to control, rather than cooperate; to dominate rather than educate. Spanking is a symptom of believing that children are less than human, and do not deserve the same respect and consideration that their parents expect from them.

To illustrate this concept, imagine you are a police officer, and you witness a stranger in a store get mad and throw something. How are you going to respond?

a) Walk up to him or her, calmly bend him or her over and pop him or her on the butt, while saying in a firm voice, "No! We do NOT throw things. Use your words!"
b) Get angry and proceed to beat the living crap after him or her. Maybe afterwards you'll apologize. Or maybe you'll threaten to give him or her something to cry about.
c) Arrest him or her at once.
d) Roll your eyes and walk away.
e) Ask him or her to clean up his or her mess, and talk with this person until you are sure he or she is calm. Then, teach him or her some techniques to recognize frustration before it becomes anger, how to cool his or herself off before the frustration reaches tantrum level, and make him or her laugh so you know they will remember this lesson.

Okay, there are a lot of other options. the first four options are what happened to me most often when I was a child, and what I witness most often among other parents who do not practice conscious parenting or positive discipline. The fifth option is one example of something I would do for my child. There are many, many other examples of turning conflict into a teaching tool, and into cooperation.

If you believe in treating others how you would like to be treated, and you want your kids to grow up to do the same, then spanking is counterproductive. Unless you allow your children to spank you when you make a mistake. Actually, even that can not possibly replicate the emotional and psychological damage that you cause your children when you hit them, because you will never believe that your children know what is best for you, and even when they are bigger and stronger than you, you will never be as vulnerable to them as they are to you.

Discipline means teaching. What are you teaching your child? What kind of adult do you want to populate the world with? Obedient ones, who will follow all rules without question, and let more powerful people make their decisions for them? If so, you are probably Republican.

Couldn't help myself, sorry. Okay, political jokes aside...

I want my children to grow up able to love themselves, able to give and accept love, able to say no to people, things, or activities that feel wrong to them. I want them to grow up knowing that we never stop learning, that learning is fun, and that growing up is a lifelong process - there is always something new to learn, and that bettering ourselves should be the main focus of our lives. I want them to be happy as their norm, with punctuations of stress, and the ability to understand and trust their emotions and intuition. I want them to accept responsibility for their accomplishments as well as for their mistakes, to value themselves and their contributions to the world, and to know themselves, their likes and dislikes, their hopes, dreams, and nightmares.

I intend to teach my children these skills by practicing them myself. When I lose my temper or make a mistake, I apologize. When I want to change their behavior, I show and tell them exactly what I want them to do and have them practice the new technique, and then make them laugh, keeping in mind that play is how humans and all mammals learn best. I set limits as teaching tools, and as boundaries for harmonious living, and I explain the reasons for the limits at an age-appropriate level. I read a LOT. I talk to other parents, and more importantly, observe their children and their parenting, and see the results.

I don't have to spank my two year old, or put him in time out, or yell at him in order to change his behavior. All I have to do is calm him down and show him what he should do instead, and then show him how happy I feel when he does the appropriate behavior. The times that I have lost my temper and yelled at him proved to me beyond a doubt how useless anger and violence are as teaching tools. He was too scared and hurt to learn anything until I calmed myself down and then calmed him down. He learned to give me kisses when I start getting upset, to make it all better, like I give him kisses when he is crying.

I believe that abortion should be a woman's choice. I believe the government has no business telling adults what they can do to their own bodies, or to force us to to put something into our bodies or the bodies of our children that we or they do not want. I believe the purpose of the government is to keep order so that millions of people can live literally on top of each other with as little conflict as possible - and part of that immense job is to protect us from other people's behaviors that cause bodily, emotional, and psychological harm.

Assault is threatening to hurt an adult. Just threatening to hurt an adult can put you in jail. Why is it legal to threaten and strike children, who can't defend themselves, who depend on us to protect them, keep them healthy, happy, and strong, and teach them so that they can do all of that for themselves when they are adults? How can that possibly be considered okay to a sane mind?

In Memoriam

A few days ago, a former professor of mine died in a car accident.

Chances are, I never would have had the opportunity to speak with her again anyway, had she survived, as she had accepted a position at Louisiana State University in 2008, and I live in Bradenton, Florida. I didn't expect her death to hit me as hard as it has.

For one thing, I see and talk to dead people. I know there is an afterlife, and that it's a good one. I know that we reincarnate or not, as we choose, from my experiences and the experiences of those I've spoken to. I feel death is something to celebrate, not something to fear, when our time comes.

It's not the fact that she's dead that has put me in this depressive funk. Rather, I think it's sympathy for her surviving loved ones, her current and former students and colleagues, who now have a gaping void in the space in their hearts formerly occupied by this wonderful woman's friendship and spirit. Perhaps it's also compassion for the terror and pain she must have felt in her last moments, and the guilt I imagine whomever called the coroner instead of the paramedics probably felt when that person found out she wasn't quite dead yet.

I firmly believe that everyone has a right to their feelings, whether or not society deems them appropriate. Our emotions are guides for us, just like our senses of pain and pleasure. When we hurt, it's a communication to us that something is wrong, something that, presumably, we can fix. When we feel good, it's a signal that things are going good, keep it up!

So while I'm surprised at how much the loss of this person I hadn't spoken with in years, and with whom I may never again have spoken, has affected me, rather than hide my feelings from others or suppress them, I'm choosing to express them and let myself go through the stages of grief, so that I can start celebrating the memories and the next stage in her journey.

Thank you, Jeanne, for being such a vibrant, passionate, funny, wonderful woman, and for being such an effective teacher. My writing would suck much more had I never known you. <3

Jeanne's Death - Washington Post

Here is a video interview with Jeanne, which gives some great advice to writers, and shows the personality I'm talking about: Jeanne's Interview

Winds of Change

The only constant is change, right?

Changes I've been through lately:

-I went vegetarian, suffered food poisoning from deviled eggs a week later, and became vegan instead. Although I do feel compassion for animals, I don't believe it's morally wrong to eat meat. I feel it's morally wrong to abuse animals the way our meat industry does, and I believe eating meat from such animals causes physical and even psychological harm (because hormones that affect our brains are in the meat, including the chemicals of terror and pain, which the animals release into their muscles in the last traumatic moments before the slaughter,) which inspired me to finally give up on the last of the meat I was eating. But it was the food poisoning that killed eggs and dairy for me. Now I can't even smell meat or eggs, or think about milk or cheese, without shuddering and retching a bit. So, long story short, my body told me I don't need animal products anymore, and that eating animal products was hurting me, and I chose to listen to it.

-I moved from an incredibly stressful situation into a astoundingly peaceful one. I went from a house of strangers where my job was to make sure no one knew a toddler lived there while desperately trying to scrape up enough money to cover the bedroom we called home...to accepting a surprising invitation to live with Aiden's father and his girlfriend, and her family. Written like that, it sounds like drama just waiting to explode...but there has been so little tension in the last three weeks since the move! I feel like I lost a hundred pounds. I only lost twenty, which is still awesome, by the way, but the point is I feel so much lighter, more peaceful, joyful, and I can honestly say that I love my life. Aiden loves it here too...he's much more confident, independent, social, talkative, and just plain happy.

-I'm supported in my goals of making a living with my spiritual and crafty pursuits. And not just in word! My housemate actively comes up with ideas of ways I can further my career, recommends me to friends, and is paying for me to vend at an upcoming pagan gathering that I thought I was going to miss for the first time in four years.

-I'm living with someone who likes and respects me. That hasn't happened since the early years with Keith! lol We're compatible. I met her New Year's Day 2011, and since that time, she's taken me to two pagan festivals (two more coming up in the next three weeks,) a community ritual, we've had an impromptu private ritual, two karaoke parties, a community picnic...she likes my vegan cooking and eats my leftovers! No one ever ate my leftovers before! lol

-I have learned SO MUCH about cooking in the last three weeks, just from going vegan and being determined to make delicious food for the whole family. I have learned so much about nutrition, culinary theory, how to intuitively season a meal that turns out great every time, new ways of cooking grains, beans, and vegetables (and even fruit, but I haven't tried that yet.) I LOVE roasted brussel sprouts and asparagus! I used to hate both of them, but roasting with a little bit of oil and salt makes them sweet and luscious! And my body loves being vegan. My mood has been so stable and peaceful, and I have more energy than I can remember ever having before. I didn't even notice that I don't need an afternoon nap anymore, even when I stay up late and get up early. Before we moved, I was so irritable and exhausted all the time...it's like I'm revived by being here and living this way.

-I get to sing! No one minds! They sing along! WHOO!

-People actually help me with Aiden! I got to go to Busch Gardens with my friends, and Aiden was fine with his father! My housemate takes him with her twice a week so I can write!

I have access to a car every day. My contributions to our home are appreciated. My creativity is both appreciated and encouraged, and even inspires my housemate's creativity. I'm truly part of the family. I could go on and on about how different my life is now. Actually, I'm not sure what's the same...

I Am Grateful

I am grateful for my precious child
who fills my heart with joy
who fills my throat with laughter
who fills my eyes with tears
who fills my life with meaning.

I am grateful for my thriving body
with eyes to see every small beauty
with ears to fill with the musics of the world
with a mouth to kiss, a tongue to taste, a throat to sing
with strength in my shoulders to carry my burdens
with arms for holding, throwing and catching
with hands to create and explore
with a chest that makes a perfect pillow
with healthy organs that do their jobs admirably
despite the crap with which I fuel them
with a heart that keeps perfect rhythm
I am grateful for my strong legs and clever feet
for the swing in my hips and the dance in my step

I am grateful for every precious moment in this world
every challenge I overcome
every victory I celebrate
every peace I savor
and even the drama that shows me the value of peace

I am grateful for the gift of choice
the responsibility of knowledge
the joys of discovery
and the rewards of patience

Blessed be.

7 Ways I Cope With feeling Overwhelmed

"Overwhelmed" is a feeling I have a lot of experience with.

Here are some of the things that work for me, and maybe can work for you too.

1) I make myself watch something that is guaranteed to make me laugh until I cry and get a stitch in my side. Any laughter is good, but lots of laughter gets the endorphins flowing, and then, when I am full of joy and love, I think of the things that were overwhelming, aggravating, or depressing, and see them in a whole new way.

2) I write - and by this, I mean that I try to bring what I'm experiencing to life for someone who would have no comprehension of what I am going through - even if I have no intention of sharing my journal entry, it's the focus of explaining the unexplainable that leads to epiphanies and new understanding.

3) I make lists. Something about being able to see every thing organized in black and white makes it all seem more manageable.

4) I give myself permission to immerse myself in spirituality. I light a candle and pray for healing and guidance, then go lay down in the grass, stare up at the sky, and realize how immense the universe is. I wonder what's out there. I smell the earth, feel the sun and breeze, listen to the sounds of life and my own heartbeat. I see the connections, how every tiny thing effects every other thing in this world, until I feel one with every thing, and feeling that way helps put my worries and stress into perspective.

5) I take a day off to nourish myself. For a day, I am a kid babysitting Aiden, a playmate for him, and don't worry about cleaning or any other grown up responsibilities. I do my best to see the world through his eyes, and by the end of the day, I feel free and recharged.

6) I obtain spiritual guidance from someone I respect. For me, that means getting a tarot reading from my mentor, or from myself if I'm broke...lol For another, it might mean talking to a church member, or a maternal or paternal person or two who is both wise and compassionate.

7) Sometimes, before I can do any of the above, I just have to vent. I'll email one of my best friends, ask for help on a mothering group, text someone who won't judge me, or hand write a letter to whomever is the focal point of my stress, which I burn afterward.

My personal life goal in life is to increase the amount of peace, joy, and love in every one I come in contact with. Because of this, I do my best not to judge, criticize, condemn, complain, or make excuses. But I also don't punish myself when I fall short of my goal. That would be counter productive.

So that's my list...hope it helps someone! Please feel free to share it with anyone it might benefit. <3

The Scarcity Farce

A few months ago, I was chastised for claiming to feel horrified by a toy I found offensive...which was apparently wrong of me because genital mutilation and rape are rampant in Africa.

My response was to blink a few times, shake my head, and choose to not respond.

A few days later, I was called petty for making a joke about a tense situation in our new home because a week prior I'd been homeless.

That time I was pissed. Considering how little I complained relative to how much I suffered, I felt offended at the idea that I wasn't allowed to feel anything other than gratitude that things weren't worse.

The idea that I should feel guilty for even jokingly complaining because others have it worse, or because I could have had it worse, operates on the underlying belief that both joy and suffering are finite, and that if I am suffering less than someone else, I must have more joy that that other person.

But just like love, joy and pain are both infinite and limitless. It is possible to feel profound joy and profound pain at the same time. It is possible to be equally as horrified by racism or homophobia as by the torture of innocents. It is possible to love someone even when you are angered by their actions, and even when you don't like to be around that person. I know, I've done all of the above! In the same day!

Every one of us has a right to our feelings. They are a part of us, not to be regulated by the opinions, expectations, or ideas of others. They are our emotional bodies, and who has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do with your own body?

My Dream Guy

I decided my PARTNERS entry was just too trite to continue existing.

I have been thinking a lot about my ideal future, and that means also thinking about my ideal partner. While I am bisexual, which I define as falling in love with A PERSON, not their gonads, and not more than one at a time (that's called "polysexual," btw,) I have a dream of being in love with a man who is in love with me, who is as amazed and humbled by the processes of pregnancy and birth and child-rearing as I am, who would sing to our child while she was still in my womb, care for her and me after the birth, and be an equal partner and parent in every sense.

I dream of being serenaded by my love, spontaneously and on romantic occasions, and singing with him at home and on stage.

We will play together, laugh together, celebrate together, do rituals together, be best friends, explore new places and hobbies, learn together, teach each other, respect each other, and love each other unconditionally and without limits.

We will support each other in our individual goals, and trust each other. We'll go on adventures as a couple and as a family, and we'll have loads of stories to tell our grandkids, and great grandkids.

We'll leave each other spontaneous romantic surprises, be affectionate and sensual with each other, and know each other so well we can speak with our eyes.

Okay, Dream Guy, where are you? <3