The Scarcity Farce

A few months ago, I was chastised for claiming to feel horrified by a toy I found offensive...which was apparently wrong of me because genital mutilation and rape are rampant in Africa.

My response was to blink a few times, shake my head, and choose to not respond.

A few days later, I was called petty for making a joke about a tense situation in our new home because a week prior I'd been homeless.

That time I was pissed. Considering how little I complained relative to how much I suffered, I felt offended at the idea that I wasn't allowed to feel anything other than gratitude that things weren't worse.

The idea that I should feel guilty for even jokingly complaining because others have it worse, or because I could have had it worse, operates on the underlying belief that both joy and suffering are finite, and that if I am suffering less than someone else, I must have more joy that that other person.

But just like love, joy and pain are both infinite and limitless. It is possible to feel profound joy and profound pain at the same time. It is possible to be equally as horrified by racism or homophobia as by the torture of innocents. It is possible to love someone even when you are angered by their actions, and even when you don't like to be around that person. I know, I've done all of the above! In the same day!

Every one of us has a right to our feelings. They are a part of us, not to be regulated by the opinions, expectations, or ideas of others. They are our emotional bodies, and who has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do with your own body?

My Dream Guy

I decided my PARTNERS entry was just too trite to continue existing.

I have been thinking a lot about my ideal future, and that means also thinking about my ideal partner. While I am bisexual, which I define as falling in love with A PERSON, not their gonads, and not more than one at a time (that's called "polysexual," btw,) I have a dream of being in love with a man who is in love with me, who is as amazed and humbled by the processes of pregnancy and birth and child-rearing as I am, who would sing to our child while she was still in my womb, care for her and me after the birth, and be an equal partner and parent in every sense.

I dream of being serenaded by my love, spontaneously and on romantic occasions, and singing with him at home and on stage.

We will play together, laugh together, celebrate together, do rituals together, be best friends, explore new places and hobbies, learn together, teach each other, respect each other, and love each other unconditionally and without limits.

We will support each other in our individual goals, and trust each other. We'll go on adventures as a couple and as a family, and we'll have loads of stories to tell our grandkids, and great grandkids.

We'll leave each other spontaneous romantic surprises, be affectionate and sensual with each other, and know each other so well we can speak with our eyes.

Okay, Dream Guy, where are you? <3

Invoking 2011: 5 Values

Instead of resolutions, here are five values to which I aspire to incorporating into my life in 2011. :)
1) Health - I want to learn to prepare and enjoy nutritious meals and snacks, so that processed junk becomes the exception rather than the norm. I want daily exercise for us both, at least a walk preferably some horseplay, and maybe even some DDR. I want us to get plenty of rest, which includes stress relief, and lots of laughter, which is both the best medicine and the best prevention.

2) Organization - I want to get back in the habit of using my planner every day so I can accomplish all my goals, make my appointments, keep in touch with my loved ones, and remember important occassions without having to rely on my increasingly fallible memory. I want to embody the concept of "less is more;" the less I have, the less there is to break, lose, or clean up! I want to get Aiden and I in a routine so he knows what to expect and can relax without worrying about Mommy disappearing if he loses sight of her.

3) Joy - I want to begin and end every day with a smile. I want laughter and enthusiasm to be norms in my life rather than perks.

4) Love - I want to embody the concept of unconditional love, which means letting go of any lingering anger and hurt, and extending to myself and every one the same love that I feel for my son.
5) Peace - I want my default feeling to be peaceful/balanced/centered, punctuated by joy, or even frustration/outrage/etc. I want to accept myself as I am, and incorporate daily meditation and prayer into my life in order to help me realize that goal.

Invoking 2011

(Credit: This post, the last one, and many future ones come from pages in Goddess Leonie's Guide to Creating Your Goddess Year, which can be purchased here:
http://www.goddessguidebook.com/psssssssttttt/

*Darling heart, what do you most want to experience 2011 as?

...Huh?

...that question must be Australian for something...I'm going to translate it as follows: "What do you most want to be in 2011?" And my answer is: A Goddess. *nods

*What do you want to feel during 2011?
...Unconditional love for myself as well as the people who touch my life, even in passing. Joy. Peace. Stability/Security. Confidence. Radiance.

*What do you want to give yourself in 2011?
...MY MFA FINALLY PLEASE!!! Also, lots of pampering, guitar lessons, a savings account with at least $5k saved by 2012, fitness, freedom, adventure, love, joy and all the stuff I said in the answer to the question before this one. :D

*2011 Permission Slip: This year I give myself permission to...take my time while making changes for the better, so my inner child doesn't freak out and sabotage my efforts at self-improvement.

*This year I promise myself that I will...learn to listen to my body and intuition in order to improve my health on all levels.

*2011 will be the year that...I take control of my life, and take the first steps towards making my biggest dreams a reality.

Celebrating & Releasing 2010

*The incredible thing I discovered about myself in 2010 was...that I am powerful, resourceful, LOVED, and I can thrive in any circumstances.

*2010 led me to...an entirely new way of seeing my life, past and present, and an entirely new way of living.

*I am proud of myself for...not giving up, and thriving despite my mood issues and circumstances.

*I know myself now more because...I was open to receiving and recognizing messages from the Divine in my dreams as well as reflected in my life.

*I was transformed this year by...experiencing homelessness and an outpouring of love from unexpected sources.

*I let go of...people and situations that were poisoning me, and at least a few self-defeating beliefs.

*I am happy because of...my precious son, my new home, and my new lifestyle.

Dreaming Big

Ten years from now...

...I'll be turning 40. Aiden will be turning 12. We'll live in a beautiful house, surrounded by land, with gardens for food, herbs, and beauty, and running water nearby. Aiden will have younger siblings, and I will have my soul mate sharing my life and helping me raise all three of them lovingly and consciously. I will be a popular writer, psychic, and metaphysical healer, able to completely support us with my gifts, and able to save a sizable nest egg because my soul mate contributes to our living as well. We will all be healthy, fit, full of energy, loving life, and always learning new skills and developing our favorites.

Five years from now...

...I'll be turning 35. Aiden will be turning 7. My soul mate and I will have been a couple for at least three years, and thinking about expanding our family. I will have published a couple of books and built up my clientele as a psychic and healer. I'll be starting to phase out my "day job" in order to focus more fully on my gifts. Aiden will be bright, healthy, happy, and adventurous, and we'll frequently go camping, visiting family and friends, and start planning to explore foreign countries, now that he's old enough to remember the experience, and I've had time to save up for it.

This time next year...

...I'll be planning out our Yule celebration, doing crafts with my almost-preschooler, singing songs with him. I'll have my MFA in Creative Writing, and will have sent out a manuscript to publishers. I'll have a nest egg of $5k saved up, and feel financially stable and secure. I'll have phased sugar out of my life, and have stable moods, great health, loads of energy, joy, and a much fitter body. I'll be working on a new manuscript and my own tarot deck. And I'll be looking forward to my friends and family opening their handmade gifts. :D

This month...

...I will find a job, and start saving money. I will make gifts for all my friends and loved ones, and revamp my etsy store. I will organize and de-clutter my belongings as well as my life, and redirect my energy so I accomplish more and stress less. I will have breakfast with protein within an hour of waking every day, and have protein with lunch and dinner. I will keep a food journal, and keep track of how different foods affect my mood. I'll even start having a potato before bed, and see how that works for me. I'm going to master the art of meal planning, and figure out how to make couponing work for me. And I'm going to regularly blog publicly as well as privately, to stay sane and get my head together.

letting go

A few years ago, one of my best friends left me a ten page letter detailing just how horrible a person I was.

The problem was that some of what she said was true. Of course, all of it was true as far as she was concerned at the time, but the parts that hurt me the most were the parts I couldn't argue with, the image of myself shown to me through her angry/hurt/fed-up eyes.

I kept that letter and reread it from time to time, at first in order to remind myself why I could never trust her again, why I should be angry with her for all time. Sometimes I read it because I was trying to understand how the one person whom I thought understood me better than any other, could misunderstand me and lash out at me so badly.

Today, I reread it because I was packing up my stuff, and needed to decide what to keep and what to let go.

Today, it didn't hurt. I could see the truths among the misconceptions that had hurt me before. I could see why she thought I was lazy, inept, manipulative, and hypocritical. I could see how some of the behavioral patterns I had when we lived together, and before, have led me to the place I find myself now.

Some people would probably consider the situation I've created for myself to be “rock bottom.” I'm a single mother, out of unemployment benefits and student loans, with no childcare, no car, no place to live, no income, and everything I own either being kept at a generous friend's apartment or behind me in this very overloaded car as I type this. In the last few weeks, I came very close to losing everything that matters to me, even my son.

But this is not the lowest point of my life.

If I were to choose a “rock bottom” out of every trauma I've experienced in my life, well...I guess it would be back in September of this year when my fiancé of 2 years dumped me, and then told me I had two weeks to get myself and my son out. I hit rock bottom then, when my heart shattered along with my root chakra, my sense of security, and my implicit confidence in the goodness in the world.

For two days I was a wreck, completely out of control emotionally, unable to take care of myself and barely able to take care of my child.

That was rock bottom.

Every night I prayed for guidance, and on the third day a seemingly random thought struck me like the proverbial two-by-four upside the head.

I realized that I believed in my faith, but that I wasn't living it, and hadn't been living it for most of the duration of my failed relationship.

I heard the voice of my spirit guide then, saying, “Remember unconditional love.” And as my bewildered one year old snuggled up to me, wiping my tears with his little hands and planting big wet kisses on my lips, I remembered.

The love that I have for my son is limitless and free. He doesn't have to earn it, and he can never lose it. Nothing he can ever do could possibly diminish my love for him.

In my faith, the Divine IS unconditional love. There is no judgment, no punishment, just actions and consequences. Just as I would never harm or bully my son, or make him suffer because he made a mistake, neither would my Divine Mother and Father make me suffer for the mistakes of my past. Everything that I have ever suffered has been a consequence of my own choices, and my own lack of unconditional love for myself.

Since I remembered unconditional love, I have understood what I need to do in order to heal myself. I started by letting go of my self-hatred, and my lifelong feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. I saw myself through the eyes of the Mother, with unconditional, powerful, all-encompassing love, and I let that love fill me and mend the wounds in my heart. Every night before I go to sleep, every morning and frequently throughout the day, I fill myself with this love, embrace it, and pass it on to my son.

I don't know where I'm going to live tomorrow, but I have faith that my son and I will be fine. I can honestly say that I'm not stressed or worried about the future. In fact, I feel peaceful, content, and incredibly excited about my future.

Today, I was finally able to let go of a painful chunk of my past. It felt good to watch that letter fall down the rubbish chute.