Sink or Swim Parenting

I remember learning to swim at the YMCA, slipping gently into the cool water, clinging to the wall as my coach gently encouraged me to swim toward him.  "You can do it," he said.  "Just let go, and move your arms and legs just like we practiced."

I trusted that he wouldn't let me drown, and that he wouldn't get angry, or worse, turn his back on me, if I forgot what we practiced, or if I was too scared or self-conscious or distracted to do what I was supposed to.  And he rewarded my trust by catching me, steadying me, and encouraging me to go further.

 My uncle taught his daughter to swim by throwing her in the deep end when she was five, and telling her she could figure it out.  Her eyes bugged and her face turned purple as she splashed, reaching for the wall, too scared to cry until she reached the wall, and then she couldn't stop crying.

My cousin and I both learned how to swim, but we also learned a lot more.  I learned that there were other people in the world that I could trust, who would help me if I needed it, and who would encourage me to meet my goals and to go even further.  She learned that she had to take care of herself, because no one else was going to help her, especially not the people she loved.

I was lucky that my mother hired a coach to teach me to swim, because my father had the same parenting philosophy as my cousin's father.  When I needed help, as a child, a teenager, and even as an adult, my father thought I should just know what to do, and turned his back on me.  "Tough love," some call it.

Withdrawing love is not "tough love."  Love is an exchange of positive energy, of happiness, encouragement, comfort, trust, and time.

I am lucky that I grew up exposed to adults who didn't buy into the "bully them into behaving" paradigm, because I grew up knowing there was a better way, and slowly but surely, I taught myself what my parents should have taught me - that I deserve love without conditions; that there ARE people in this world that I can trust; and that there will always be someone to help me when I need it, even if it's not the person that I expect.